It’s the New Year, and while I’m excited and grateful about a new page turning, I’m also sad because today is the first anniversary of my sister’s death. Over the holidays, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, about how life is measured in its smaller moments. Better writers than I have pondered these same questions. Alas, I’m only me so I’m going to give you a few of my thoughts too.
Hunker down and read on, or not. That’s the great thing about the Internet and also, its curse. You can click on and off of anything you want in a millisecond. The Internet is like some crazy person at the party, who talks too loudly and wears clothes that are too bright. Maybe he or she also has a flashing lampshade on his/her head, and screams “Look at me!”
Remembering when websites had flashing ads and automated music? See what I mean? Internet advertising is based upon the almighty click and keeping your face glued to the screen for a second longer. We spend much of our days flitting from one webpage to another.
Life, however, doesn’t shout for your attention. The good things, the ones that take your breath away, or return it to you, they are quiet, sometimes, even silent.
-
- Childbirth.
-
- Your first dance with your husband.
-
- When one of your children shares with another without prompting.
-
- The smile you share with a passing stranger.
-
- The first time your work is published.
-
- Autographing the book you wrote.
-
- Meeting your heroes, your mentors, and discovering they are as smart and kind as you hoped.
- Meeting your granddaughter and losing her in the same moment.
- Having another person who walked through childhood with you and then losing them suddenly.
The list goes on and on. Some moments are big. Others are small. All are important.
This is life, and, recently, everywhere we read the news or watch it, over and over, we’re told we’re missing it.
I don’t profess to have any answers other than these small things.
I’m putting away my phone each evening. I still get notifications on my watch so if there is an emergency, I can deal with it. I can also be present to my husband and family. Because my job is online, I have to carve out some time for myself, and evening is the best time. My mother isn’t well, and after Nita died last year, the burden of her care is no longer shared. My family helps, but the buck stops here. This week, on her birthday, my family and I are moving Mom to assisted living. She is frightened, but also, very brave. She is definitely holding her chin up and trying to trust. That touches and humbles me.
It’s made me wonder how my children will take care of me when the times comes. Because I can’t think about that too long without becoming discouraged, I push the thought away for the time being.
Other tangible things I’m doing, not resolutions, but instead, practical things.
I’m back at the gym. I carved out some time and went back around Christmas. I’m doing cardio, but I’m also lifting weights at least three times a week, maybe more. I feel significantly better when I do these two simple things so why is it always so hard to do?
I’m cooking more. Cooking is a creative touchstone for me. Even when I don’t’ have the energy to write, I love to cook. I always have. I love standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine and whipping up something either from my own repertoire or from one of the boxes delivered to my door. I find the creativity of cooking, along with the motion of hand and eye, soothes me. I’ve bought boxes from Green Chef, Plated and Sun Basket. All have their challenges and all are fine. Sometimes, I switch off between them because I’m somewhat limited due to the gluten-free thing. Each box has its own personality, and I find having to shop and cook too stressful while helping my mom.
The weather today is really cold–22°F–but I’m told we’re going to get a warmup. When we do, I’m going outside without my phone and work in the garden, cutting down grasses and removing some of the leaves that gather between the plants. I’ll also cut back the roses. It used to be that I did my rose pruning in February, but the climate has changed so I just do it whenever I feel like it now, starting in January. There is no consistency in the weather so I just play it by ear. So much of gardening is that, isn’t it?
Take more long baths. With candles. Enough said.
Read more books, especially in said baths. I read fewer books this year than before. I want to remedy that.
Polish my silver and iron the pillowcases. I love hotel silver and use a lot of it day-to-day. When I use it, it doesn’t need polishing, but some of the other stuff doesn’t get polished but once a year. I did several pieces before Christmas and USED them. Now, I have them displayed with blue and white lights on the fireplace mantel. The lights make gray days seem brighter. and the silver reflects their light. Win-win.
I like polishing silver and ironing when I want to do it. So, that’s when I do it. It’s not a requirement in my household. It’s a joy. I like to sleep on ironed pillowcases.
Life has a way of polishing us too, rubbing away all the unnecessary tarnish until we get down to our true essence. We can either glisten with reflected light or get rubbed down to base metal. That last part is our decision in the process.
You may not have picked up on the theme here, but soothing the soul is often about the quotidian mysteries, those chores which require hand and heart. If you pray at the same time, well, you’re only doing what St. Benedict suggested centuries ago. I think he had something there.
In 2018, I expended a lot of energy caring for others. By doing many of the things, above, I filled my reserves again.
Speaking of prayer, I’m going to spend more time in my church, alone, in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I find it gives me strength and comfort and has been a great source of both for the entire year of 2018. It’s not everybody’s way, but it’s mine.
I’m grateful for it. Before you think I’m maudlin, I’m not. Today is a hard day, but it’s also a blessed day. I read a book, saw a concert last night and spent time with part of my family. It’s time to stride bravely into the new year. What will you do this year to make your life a little slower, a little sweeter? I’d love to know.
I came looking for your post on the garden in your mind…and found a very sweet post on changes…some wonderful…some not…and the importance of learning to be good to ourselves in our healings and sufferings. I look forward to the garden post as I am new to Instagram and have followed you under @gardenmercies…but these words were meant for me to see today. My heart has been in a pondering mood as 2018 held its blessings and sorrows and learning how to separate the sadness of the loss of my father-still living-yet slowly being taken,and overtaken, by Alzheimer’s. I am finding my way around my heart – allowing it to feel the pain, but not be so overcome that I cannot enjoy the mercies God has placed carefully in my lap. And so the garden is often where I find my mercies…my little bits of hope and my healings along the way. I have missed my writing (not professional or published) and after several years have once again found my words that had been lost in some of life’s “overwhelming.” So 2019 will be a journey, deeper spiritually because it calls me-deeper emotionally as I learn to be able to live fruitfully through sadness- deeper physically because -well-AGE demands it!? (Deeper is my word for 2019–we will see all the wondrous ways that word will be manifested this year-I’m absolutely ready to put my hands deeper into the soil). Thank you for the inspiring words and honest heart my Oklahoma friend. They touched me.
Hi Debbie, thank you for your dear comment. The other post is up now. I had to review it once more before I hit publish. I find that it is harder to write when I am sad, and I was sad much of 2018, although it also held joy. I’m so glad my post touched you. It’s difficult to share the things on our hearts, but if we persevere people see the truth of our words. My mantra for 2019 is to put on my own oxygen mask first. I cannot help others unless I also help myself. I will pray for you this evening when I go to bed. Your comment touched me deeply.
And I will pray for your heart to be covered in comfort and your mind with the best of memories of your sister-and perhaps she walks with you in the garden of your mind tonight. Thank you for your words.
I enjoyed your thoughtful musings at the start of 2019. I don’t make resolutions, but I often try to make changes or work on projects starting in January. This year I started crocheting a temperature blanket, where I stitch one row per day in a color that pertains to the high temperature of the day. I find crocheting to be highly meditative, and used it extensively in 2017 as I struggled through my breast cancer treatments. I’m also writing daily gratitudes this year, keeps me thinking of the best parts of life. Every day on the green side of the grass is a good one is my new mantra. I hope your mom has transitioned successfully into her new home.
Ooh Robin that’s so cool. I want to go and look at it. I hope it’s on your blog. Breast cancer treatments are so hard. I’ve not been through them, but I’ve walked with many friends over the years. I find being grateful also helps my outlook. Thank you for the reminder. Mom is trying her best. It’s a difficult change for her.
Thank you for this post. It has touched my heart and encouraged my spirit. I have just arrived home from a long, solitary road trip where I was also taking care of my mother. We siblings have agreed it is time we move her to assisted living and have begun the preparations. She will not be happy, and it will not be easy.
Once again, thank you for your words.
Jeannie@GetMeToTheCountry
Hi Jeannie, I’m sorry I’m just now answering this. I apologize. I’m still in the process of moving my mom. My heart goes out to you and your siblings. There is nothing harder than caring for our parents as they enter the final stages of their lives–however long that may be. I can only offer my prayers that you will all find comfort in the little things, the good things, that this time in life contains. Nothing in life stays the same. Most of the time, however, we don’t realize the changes because they move slowly. We notice when something big happens. Much love to your family. I’m grateful my words offered some comfort. ~~Dee
This was so touching and authentic. I hope you read those books, find solace in your cooking and release through exercise. Thank you for your words Dee.
Thank you dear Heather. I am finding solace in these quotidian mysteries.
Dee, reading your blog soothed my soul. You are such a gifted writer. May 2019 be all you hope for, and more! Salute!
Thank you Toni! I think 2019 has to be better than 2018. 🙂
A beautiful and thoughtful post, Dee!
Lovely, lovely post, Dee. So grateful that you share so much of yourself here. We seem to be in the same place in our lives. Thank you for your grace — it’s truly an inspiration. I hope that if you’re ever in Nashville, you’ll come visit me and I can give you a tour of my flower farm.
I think one of the nicest feelings in the world is getting into a newly made bed with fresh bedding that hasn’t yet been crumpled by sleep. Lovely post, hope you find time to do all the things you want.
“Life has a way of polishing us too, rubbing away all the unnecessary tarnish until we get down to our true essence….” wise words Dee! Hugs on you.
Hugs to you too Loree! Hope your garden is staying dangerous. 😉
Oh Dee, I remember you posting about your sister last year and thought how difficult it would be to lose a sibling especially on a holiday My brother passed away unexpectedly in his 30;s and it was hard to accept because he was so young. My Mom has really never got over losing him and then my Dad a few years later. I moved her in with us from Florida over a year ago so I could make sure she was getting good care and we could spend the rest of her days together. It’s exhausting some days but I try to focus on the positive things that bring joy. A cup of tea in a pretty mug or watching birds at the feeder helps get through gloomy winter days. Gardening is my therapy and having fresh flowers in the house helps brigthen our days too. I think this year I’ll focus on simplifying our home and getting rid of things so I can spend more time doing the things that really matter to me like gardening and traveling with family. Prayer is so important in my life and I will be praying for you and your Mom as you move her into assisted living.
Dee, sending a hug. I loved reading your post. Wishing you good things in the coming year— peace, beauty, and love!
Thank you, sweetheart! May we all find those same things in the new year.
One thing I have done is deleted my Facebook account. I kept getting hacked, twice anyway and that was one time too many. It is amazing how much more time I have. I like to read. I can escape most any time I need to with a good book.
I can certainly imagine how you feel about your sister. My sister has either dementia or Alzheimers. I am taking her to a neurologist soon to find out which. It is really sad having her slip away right in front of me. We carry on. Do what we can and pray for help with the rest. I am wishing you a Happy Healthy New Year with many Blessings.
Lisa, deleting your Facebook was probably wise, wiser than I. I’m so very sorry about your sister. I have no words but know I am holding you in my heart. Mom and I are visiting a neurologist at the end of January.
Gpd/ . . . ( and Annie). . . the sun will come out tomorrow. . .!!